“But that’s my baby, too”

An anecdotal story about the transition from one to two children

There are tons of “how to” and “what to expect” guides when you’re becoming a first time parent, but I’ve noticed much less talk around the transition from one to two kiddos. While caring for my sister after the birth of her second child, she shared something that helped shape my work as a postpartum doula and community member. 

Early last October, my sister returned home from the hospital, one day after giving birth to her second child. Growing from a family of three to a family of four in an instant - shifting space and roles for every member of the family, including the new big sister. 

My nieces are 23 months apart, so there was already a rambunctious, almost 2 year old running through the house. Now, her sweet, delicate newborn sister was joining the crew. The visitation rules had lessened with baby number two, as they often do. So, my sister and brother-in-law allowed a few of their closest family members to come by during the early postpartum days and meet the new baby.

We are very lucky to come from a family of caregivers. Everyone wanted to do their part and help out during this huge transition for my sister’s family. However, I’d soon learn that while well intentioned, we were all doing something that was adding stress to my postpartum sister, the opposite of what we were aiming for.

We wanted the new mom of two to have the time and space she needed to rest and bond with her second born. So naturally, we all worked to entertain her first born. The offers were rolling in… “I’ll take big sister outside for a bit” “Let me give big sister her bath for you” “You sit with baby, we’ll play with big sis”. All so well intentioned and on the surface, seems helpful. 

But there was a quiet moment when I saw my sister turn inward and look truly heartbroken. I sat beside her and asked if she wanted to share what’s on her mind. Immediately, she broke down. She explained how everyone was encouraging her to focus on “the baby” (her newborn) and offering to help with her toddler. Then she said five words that have stuck with me ever since -  “But that’s my baby, too” - referring to her first born.

She didn’t want everyone to leave her alone with her newborn while we played with her toddler - she wanted to play with her toddler, her baby. The 30+ hours in labor was the longest my sister had spent apart from her first baby. She had spent her entire pregnancy worrying about how her toddler would adjust to her new role as big sister. She missed her first baby, the one she’d spent the last 23 months solely focused on. 

This doesn’t mean she didn’t want to also bond with and focus on her newborn, but her body and brain were still catching up to the huge adjustment and the one thing that felt good was making sure her first baby knew she still had her mama. So, I put on my doula hat, let the guests know it was time to go, and took over newborn care while my sister got some uninterrupted time with her first baby. 

The point of this story isn’t to say this is what all second time parents need; rather, it’s a reminder to observe, listen, and change course as needed when you’re offering postpartum support. Had I not stopped to ask my sister what was on her mind, I would have continued doing what I thought was helpful, completely missing the point. When we’re a part of someone’s postpartum village, we’re showing up how they need us to, not how we think is best. 

Thank you to my incredible big sis for allowing me to share this story and for always being my first teacher and biggest supporter. So much of who I am as a doula and person comes from her.

With love,

Ro Compasso - little sibling turned postpartum doula :)